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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26509462">Troubles in paradise</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur'>herilaveur</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (France)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:53:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26509462</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliott has always hated having regrets. He prefers to move forward without thinking about what he could have done differently. Lucas has been in university prep class since September, Eliott is in his second year of film school, and they are happy. At least that's what Eliott thought.</p><p>Now that he sees his face, he thinks back on the question Lucas just asked him and regrets not having listened to him more attentively. Such a question should have worried him. Eliott looks at Lucas and understands that he answered very badly.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I should have listened to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wanted a fic with drama and anguish...so I prefer to warn, there will be: drama, mentions of homophobia, insults, fights...tears and blood...(I promise, there will also be funnier and cuter moments, but for those, there is no need for warnings).</p><p>So, for those who want to follow this story in spite of everything: let's go!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Eliott has always hated having regrets. He really tries to move forward in life without regrets, mainly so that he doesn't imagine what would have happened if he had acted or thought differently, because otherwise his thoughts go crazy and he can't stop thinking. </p><p>Lucas likes to imagine parallel universes, the result of their different choices, but Eliott doesn't like to think about it. If there is another universe where they are happier, does that mean they are living in the bad universe? And is there a universe where they are not together? Are they happy anyway? Could they be happy without being together? Just imagining it makes Eliott's heart grow fonder so he tries to think about it as little as possible.</p><p>But the moment he looks at Lucas' face, he really regrets not having taken the time to think before answering his question. He remembers Lucas' words and looks at him, surprised, as if he only now understands that such a question should have worried him. </p><p>Lucas had been preoccupied for a week. Eliott knew it, and Lucas knew he was knew it. Since last Friday, in fact. Lucas had come home from class in a bad mood and went straight to the shower instead of curling up on the couch next to Eliott. He didn't seem at all relaxed afterwards, and Eliott had hugged him, gently kissing his forehead.</p><p>''Are you okay, babe?''</p><p>Lucas had grunted before getting up and going to do the dishes that had been left in the sink since morning. Eliott had surrounded the size of Lucas of his arms, kissing him gently in the neck but Lucas had pushed a cry of pain, releasing himself from his embrace.</p><p>"I fell down at the skate park, I hit a ramp. I'm just exhausted. It's really hard to get back into the rhythm of the class."</p><p>Eliott understands, he knows how difficult it is to find a real rhythm, because they spent a downright lazy month of August living as they wanted, without worrying about the schedules. It is clear that the first alarm clock at 7 am hurt..</p><p>''Come on, let's get some rest, it can wait.''</p><p>Lucas had shaken his head, doing the dishes like it was the most important thing to do, like it couldn't wait another second.</p><p>''Lucas..."</p><p>His voice was imploring, but Eliott didn't care, he just wanted to help his boyfriend relax.</p><p>''Let go of me, Eliott, okay.''</p><p>Lucas had turned off the water almost immediately, turning around to face Eliott, his eyes at the edge of tears, but his face filled with anger.</p><p>''I'm sorry. I just had a bad day. The classes were long, the guys were boring and when I wanted to relax while skating, I sprawled out like a shit. I just want to forget all this, I don't want to think about it again, okay? I'm fine."</p><p>Eliott had nodded reluctantly, stepped forward to hug Lucas but Lucas had turned around to finish the dishes so Eliott had gone back to sit on the couch, worried.</p><p>That was a week ago. And since then, Lucas has been sleeping poorly. His bruises on his right side, legs and back are still clearly visible and Eliott doesn't understand how he could have hurt himself so badly with his skateboard. Lucas says he wanted to try a new trick and is just too old for that, reminding Eliott that he almost broke his arm the time Lucas encouraged him to try.</p><p>When Lucas came home an hour ago he seemed pretty fine. Eliott knows that Lucas often pretends he's doing well and that it's at night that his worries catch up with him and prevent him from getting to sleep. But he came home with a smile on his face, kissed Eliott before taking out his course books and settling down next to Eliott to work. Eliott loves his times when they work next to each other. And then he felt relaxed, because Lucas really looked better. Maybe Eliott was just too worried in the end and it was just too hard for him to go back to class, and he needed time. Lucas worked for almost an hour before he looked up from his books, but Eliott, too focused on his new school project, didn't even look up.</p><p>"Eliott?"</p><p>"Mmmhhh?"</p><p>''What do you want for dinner tonight?''</p><p>Eliot reread the same sentence for the third time and frowned because he still didn't understand how to interpret it so he just shrugged his shoulders.</p><p>''Whatever you want."</p><p>Lucas gently stroked his shoulder and nodded.</p><p>''Do you want to watch a particular movie?''</p><p>Eliott shook his head, caught in his thoughts. Honestly, he didn't care about the movie, he thought he was going to spend the evening working on this project anyway so he could get rid of it this weekend.</p><p>''No, you pick what you want, babe.''</p><p>There was a slight silence as Lucas got up and walked to the kitchen leaving Eliott re-reading the fucking sentence. He was even considering asking Lucas for help because there he couldn't see what he was supposed to understand at all.</p><p>"My love?''</p><p>"Mmmh?''</p><p>"Do you love me?</p><p>Eliott rolls his eyes but doesn't lift his head off his case which is starting to give him a fucking headache.</p><p>''You know I do, baby. Of course I do."</p><p>He does not miss the satisfied moan of Lucas who opens a cupboard.</p><p>''Eliott?''</p><p>''Mmmh?''</p><p>''Do you think I look gay?''</p><p>''Yeah, maybe."</p><p>The sound of glass breaking on the floor makes Eliott jump out and drop his file. And as soon as he sees Lucas' face, he remembers Lucas' words and looks at him, surprised, as if he only now understands that such a question should have worried him. And he understands that he answered very badly.</p><p>"Wait ! What?"</p><p>Lucas shakes his head and bends down to pick up the pieces on the kitchen floor. Eliott joins him and grabs the broom and shovel to remove the pieces of glass before Lucas, who is still barefoot, hurts himself.</p><p>Lucas comes out of the kitchen but Eliott grabs him by the wrist and pulls him towards him to face him.</p><p>''Sorry, I wasn't really listening to you. Why are you asking me this question?"</p><p>Lucas' face is totally closed and totally inexpressive, and Eliott hates it. At the beginning of their relationship, he said that he loved everything about him, but after more than a year and a half spent with Lucas, he is forced to admit that there is one thing Eliott hates: it's when Lucas takes on that inexpressive face. </p><p>''Babe, talk to me, please. I don't even understand what you mean by "look gay? You know I love you the way you are, baby. You're beautiful. What's wrong?"</p><p>Lucas takes Eliott's hand off his wrist and turns to the front door. He grabs his shoes, and just like that, he's gone. </p><p>And Eliott still doesn't understand why.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I should have known you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just a little info : by dint of being invaded by the Covid measurements, (and watching WTFock), I had forgotten that skam france had not known this situation...so I modified the previous chapter on this little point : Lucas and Eliott have never known lockdown.</p><p>There you go, it wasn't much, but I wanted to say it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Eliott is not chasing Lucas because he knows him. He knows that if he runs after him and forces him to talk, Lucas will close up, push him away and run away even further.</p><p>So, instead, Eliott grabs his phone and sends a message to Lucas, reminding him that he loves him, but Lucas' phone rings on the living room table. </p><p>Eliott immediately grabs it, almost relieved. Lucas is practically glued to his phone so he will come back soon, at least to get it. But the minutes go by, and it's already been an hour since Lucas left. After two hours, Eliott sends a message to the gang to know if Lucas is with them. He didn't want to do it, not wanting Lucas to feel hunted, but now he is too worried. </p><p>And his anxiety rises a notch when he receives Yann's message :</p><p>
  <em>Hi, no he's not there, why? He didn't come back? After school, we wanted to relax at the skate park but Lucas fell down. He did a hell of a salto at the top of the ramp. We were afraid that he hurt himself, but it especially really irritated him. He left while grumbling, saying that he was too tired to go out this evening. He didn't come back?</em>
</p><p>Eliott doesn't know if he should worry about that, or worry about the fact that Lucas fell twice in one week when he doesn't usually do that.</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas' cell phone on the living room table and picks it up, hoping to find a clue in Lucas' messages as to where he might be right now. He feels like crap for going through Lucas' phone like this, but he needs to find it, now, and to know that he's okay so for now, he puts the guilt aside.</p><p>Lucas' message box is useless because it only has messages from Eliott, his friends or prep students. Eliott is about to put the phone down with a sigh but before he does, he opens the Internet history. He's never done this before and never thought he would, but maybe Lucas heard about a party tonight and looked where it was. </p><p>And while browsing through Lucas' history, Eliott sits on their couch, nervously running a hand through his hair. He looks at the phone, as if to make sure it belongs to Lucas. Because the history doesn't match his Lucas. Well, it does, but to the repressed Lucas he met almost two years ago.</p><p>
  <em>How to recognize a gay from a straight man. Gay look. Man feminine attitude. Metrosexual. Looks gay. Gender expression. Internal homophobia. Straight man earring. Straight man looks gay. Yag. Bear. Twink. Otter. Pup.</em>
</p><p>Pages and pages of research, all revolving around the same theme and Eliott doesn't understand why Lucas is watching this. Why does he ask if he look gay? Why does he wonder about the different "categories"? Why does he wonder so much about his appearance? Why would Lucas, who openly came out for over a year, be tormented by these kinds of questions now?</p><p>He looks outside, night falls and Lucas is still not there. Eliott gets up and puts on his jacket, needing to move. He has to find Lucas and goes to the only place where he thinks he can find him. He walks as fast as he can and his heart tightens when he sees that the gate of the small belt is open. He runs to the bridge, now sure that Lucas is there but the place is deserted. He hits one of the pillars of the bridge, lost and angry that he doesn't understand what's going on. </p><p>He looks everywhere again but there is no trace of Lucas' passage so he leaves, walking up the alley, leaving their place behind him. </p><p>His phone vibrates in his pocket and it startled him. He feels like an idiot as soon as he sees the caller. He should have known Lucas better. Sometimes Eliott forgets that Lucas is not like him. When he's not feeling well, Eliott tries to hide and disappear while Lucas looks for a friend to talk to. Usually it is Eliott he talks to, and frankly, Eliott feels foolish for not thinking that Lucas would go see him.</p><p>''Mika? He's with you?"</p><p>There's a lot of noise behind Mika but Eliott hears him sigh.</p><p>''Good evening to you too, Eliott. Are you talking about your drunken boyfriend?  Yes, he's there. I love it when he comes to see me at work, but I think you should come and get him before things get out of hand."</p><p>''I'm on my way."</p><p>''I don't know what's wrong with him, but you're gonna have to fix it. I didn't even recognize him. Oh, kitten, put that down right now. Lucas, cut the crap, you"</p><p>The communication cuts off and Eliott starts running towards the bar. He arrives totally out of breath but he doesn't care. Through the window, he doesn't see Lucas and he really hopes that Mika hasn't let him go. He opens the door so quickly that it slams against the wall.</p><p>''Hey, don't break my door! I don't know what to do with him anymore. What the hell is going on?"</p><p>Eliott shrugs his shoulders and looks around but he doesn't see his man.</p><p>''Where is he?"</p><p>Mika points to an empty table and then rolls his eyes.</p><p>''Damn, he was here thirty seconds ago. Ah there. Oh, no."</p><p>Eliott follows Mika's finger and freezes, gawking. If he didn't know all the features of his face so perfectly, he wouldn't even recognize him. Lucas dyed his hair black. A deep fucking black that worse than the darkness Eliott imagined in Polaris.</p><p>And as if to add more misery to all this, he dances with a girl, totally glued to her, one hand down her back. The girl caresses his chest laughing and Lucas sends him back a drunken but satisfied fucking smile. The girl in her twenties bends over to kiss him, and fuck, Lucas makes no fucking move to stop her. Eliott almost leaps up to them and pulls Lucas against him. Jealousy is really not a feeling he feels often, but this is just too much.</p><p>''Fuck, Eliott, you're ruining my plan!''</p><p>Eliott looks very quickly at the girl who yells at him and then looks at Lucas, with a disappointed face.</p><p>''But I'm your plan, Lucas.''</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes and sighs.</p><p>''But yes, the love of my life, and all that, I know, I'm aware of it. But I just wanted to see if I could please a girl, there's nothing wrong with that. I need to know that I can do that. You've kissed other girls hundreds of times, I could do it too."</p><p>Eliott feels a huge ball going up his throat.</p><p>''But that was before you, Lucas.''</p><p>Lucas looks at him as if it doesn't matter and leaves the bar with a sigh. He turns around as soon as he walks through the door and points his finger at Eliott, as if he was accusing him. </p><p>''You kissed Lola three months ago. You're such a hypocrite sometimes. You're not even gay, and I should let you kiss girls and not say anything, and you interrupt me when I'm about to conclude.''</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas with a frown.</p><p>''It was for a movie, Lucas. It's nothing like that. You knew about it. I didn't cheat."</p><p>Lucas looks at him with a dark look and Eliott knows exactly what he's going to say before Lucas says a word. And his heart is already starting to bleed.</p><p>''Are you forgetting about Lucille?''</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I wanted to give you time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Even though it was really hard to do, they talked about that moment several times together: from the moment Eliott went back to Lucille after Lucas told him that he didn't want crazy peoples in his life. </p><p>And since then, until last night, Lucas had never used that moment of betrayal against Eliott. </p><p>Eliott thinks back to last night and feels the tears threatening to flow. That doesn't sound like his Lucas. He doesn't understand why Lucas is in an identity crisis again, and he doesn't know what he can do to help him so he just feels horrible. He feels even worse when he thinks back on Lucas last night. </p><p>Lucas was less angry after throwing up three times just a few steps from the bar but after that he decided to sit on a bench to sleep. Eliott had to carry him home and despite his protests, Lucas hugged him, letting Eliott take him home. He kept telling Eliott that he wanted him to let him go, but he clung to him like a koala, as if his body was screaming at Eliott not to let him go. Lucas collapsed on their bed as soon as he walked through the door of the apartment and Eliott spent the night on their couch thinking about it all but finding no explanation for Lucas' sudden change of attitude.</p><p>"Eliott?"</p><p>Eliott raises his head towards Lucas who comes out of the room, his face sad and ashamed. His complexion is pale, his eyes are surrounded as if he hadn't slept and his black hair spreads around his face in all directions.</p><p>''I'm really sorry.''</p><p>Eliott wants to get up and hug him but he doesn't know if Lucas will let him and he can't stand being pushed away again so he just looks at him.</p><p>''I need you to talk to me, Lucas. Is it because of me? Do you wanna break up?"</p><p>Lucas looks at him and says nothing. And it hurts so fucking bad. Lucas starts crying, and Eliott's heart starts beating harder. Lucas crosses the living room and throws himself into Eliott's arms, getting as close as he can and sobbing against his chest.</p><p>"I'm so sorry. I love you so much. It has nothing to do with you. It's not you. I love you. I love you so much."</p><p>Eliott gently strokes his back, kisses his hair, wondering where Lucas did that dye job last night and waits for Lucas to calm down.</p><p>When Lucas stops crying, Eliott realizes that he has fallen asleep. He sighs but keeps him close. Finally, after an hour, Lucas wakes up with a start and jumps a second time by catching a lock of hair on his head.</p><p>''Who the fuck did this to me?''</p><p>Eliott looks at him even more worried, wondering how much alcohol Lucas may have ingested last night, and above all why. Lucas sighs, holding his forehead, and then pulls his hair back as if to check that it is black.</p><p>''I think that's you, babe, but the question to ask, I think, is why? Why did you do it, Lucas? Why did you want to kiss a girl? Why do you ask me if I think you look gay and why do you spend your nights online trying to figure out how to tell a gay from a straight guy or how to"</p><p>"Did you go through my phone?"</p><p>Lucas gets up from the couch and looks at Eliott like he's a traitor and Eliott hates it. But since when the fuck does Eliott hate Lucas' attitude so much?</p><p>''I was looking for you, I wanted to help you, I was worried. I've been"</p><p>"I have the right to privacy," Lucas shouts ''Even Mika didn't do that!''</p><p>Eliott gets up and grabs him by the arms before Lucas leaves the living room.</p><p>''What the hell, Lucas, am I in your life or not? You need help and I want to help you, but I don't know how to help you. I don't even understand what's going on right now or why. It drives me crazy to see you like this and not be able to do anything about it."</p><p>Lucas freezes and shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I don't know, Eliott. I don't fucking know. I'm sorry.''</p><p>Lucas seems to be hesitating about what he should do so Eliott waits, but Lucas ends up shaking his head as he gets out of Eliott's arms.</p><p>''I don't know, Eliott. I need to be alone. Please, just give me some time."</p><p>Eliott sighs as he watches Lucas go into their bedroom. At least he hasn't left. Eliott can't stop wondering if Lucas meant that he doesn't know how Eliott can help him, or if he doesn't know if he wants Eliott to always be a part of his life.</p><p>He hesitates, wondering if he should contact Lucas's buddies to see if they know anything but he doesn't want Lucas to feel even more betrayed, so he doesn't do it. </p><p>The rest of the weekend goes by at an awfully slow pace. Lucas just stays in their bedroom and Eliott draws raccoons and hedgehogs hugging each other. He leaves the drawings on the pillow next to Lucas who pretends to sleep. Eliott knows him well enough to know that he is pretending, but he tries to be patient, like Lucas is with him when he is not well. </p><p>On Sunday afternoons, he sits on their bed next to Lucas and gently strokes his back reminding him that he loves him just the way he is and will always be there for him. He wipes the tears that flow quietly over Lucas' face and stays beside him for a moment before kissing him gently on the forehead. He brings back the plate that Lucas hasn't touched in the kitchen, the guilt taking him even more when he thinks of how many times Lucas has had to do this for him.</p><p>It must be midnight but Eliott can't sleep. He looks at Lucas who is really sleeping this time, but he seems to be suffering from the inside. His face is all tensed up and he sleeps curled up on himself when he usually takes up all the space in the bed, making Eliott wonder how such a small being can take up so much space.</p><p>When his alarm clock rings on Monday, Eliott realizes that he fell asleep on the couch. He hasn't slept in his bed since Thursday night and frankly, it's starting to scare him. Are they reaching a point of no return in their relationship?</p><p>He shakes his head, not wanting to think about it. He stands up moaning, rubbing his back, and opens the bedroom door. It doesn't matter if Lucas doesn't want his help, he has to make sure they're both okay. </p><p>But the room is empty. Lucas has already left. Eliott looks at the time. It's only seven o'clock, so if Lucas has already left, it's because he's avoiding him. Eliott sits sighing on their bed and then a tiny smile appears on his lips when he notices that the drawings are no longer on the pillow.</p><p>Suddenly, he feels the anxiety rise and heads for the trash can. But no, there is no trace of the drawings and Eliott feels himself breathing again. </p><p>His phone vibrates and he looks at him worried.</p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry I left early, I have some things to take care of. Thanks for your drawings, they are the light in my dark night, as usual. I love you Eliott. Don't even dare to imagine that I don't love you like crazy anymore. I'm madly in love with you, but I need to think a little bit about all this. I'm sorry.</em>
</p><p>Eliott frowns, not understanding what "all this" means. He goes into the bathroom and lets the hot water soothe him a little. He brushes his teeth and then takes his pills, like every morning. He just shouldn't have an episode now when Lucas needs him.</p><p>Because for the moment Lucas stays away, but Eliott hopes that tonight they will be able to get together again and that Lucas will talk to him.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. I should have known you were lying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The day at school passes rather quickly contrary to what Eliott would have thought. He got a message from Lucas at noon. No text, just : 🦔 💖 🦝 but that's enough to make Eliott smile.</p><p>When he comes out of his last class at 5pm, he notices that he has several worried messages from Arthur who asks him how Lucas is, then tells him that he understands what Lucas has done and that he is sorry that it has created so many problems for him.  He doesn't have time to deal with it because he has three missed calls from Basile. Usually, Basile sends messages, gifs or pictures, he often sends a lot of crap that makes Eliott laugh, but he never calls. Eliott tries to call him back but Basile doesn't answer. Neither did Arthur.</p><p>Only when he puts the key in the door of their apartment does his phone ring, indicating that Basile is calling him.</p><p>''Hi Baz.''</p><p>''Damn it, Eliott, what's wrong with Lucas?"</p><p>Eliott unlocks the door and sighs at the same time.</p><p>"Honestly, I don't know."</p><p>"Damn it, Eliott, he just got suspended. We don't even know where he is right now."</p><p>The door opens and Eliott doesn't have time to ask why Lucas was suspended so he understands.</p><p>''He's there. I'll call you back."</p><p>Eliott hangs up and joins Lucas who is standing in the middle of their entrance. Drops of blood fall to the ground and he makes no movement to stop it.  Eliott grabs both of Lucas' hands in his and Lucas grimace.</p><p>''I'm sorry, Eliott. I thought I could handle this on my own. I didn't mean to drag you into this."</p><p>Eliott doesn't understand what Lucas is talking about, but that's not the point. He gently directs Lucas into the bathroom and sits him on the edge of the bathtub so he can take care of his hands. </p><p>Lucas' face has no signs of being hit and Eliott doesn't know if he should be happy about it or not because it certainly means that he hit someone first.</p><p>He passes a disinfectant compress over Lucas' bloody hands and then looks him in the eye.</p><p>''Lucas, talk to me.''</p><p>Lucas opens his mouth and immediately closes it again. He looks down, looks at his hands then looks at Eliott and his eyes fill with tears.</p><p>''Lucas.''</p><p>Eliott's voice trembles. He gently caresses the cheek of Lucas who bends over in Eliott's hand and closes his eyes. Lucas seems totally exhausted so Eliott gently squeezes him. </p><p>''I love you Lucas. No matter what happens, I love you."</p><p>Lucas hugs Eliott's waist and sniffs. </p><p>''I wish I could say it too.''</p><p>Eliott steps back to look at him and he sees only sorrow on the face of the man he loves.</p><p>"Talk to me, Lucas."</p><p>''I...I don't like the way people look at me.''</p><p>Eliott tries not to frown and above all, he says nothing, waiting patiently for Lucas to talk to him.</p><p>''I...I don't want to feel that way, Eliott. I'm super proud to be with you and I don't want to go back in the fucking closet, but I can't stand the idea of people thinking I'm gay just by looking at me."</p><p>Eliott gently caresses Lucas' cheek.</p><p>''Since when do you care about other people's judgment, babe? Who cares?"</p><p>Lucas shakes his head and sniffs.</p><p>''It's easy for you. When everyone looks at you, they see a mysterious guy, pretty cool. No one would ever dare to insult you for fear of getting hurt. I didn't think I cared what anybody else said, Eliott, but that's only when you're with me."</p><p>Lucas bursts into tears and Eliott hugs him.</p><p>''What happened, babe?''</p><p>Lucas cries some more and it's so painful to see him like that that Eliott really has to stop crying with him.</p><p>''I don't know. I don't know what I've been doing. But they saw it and they hit me."</p><p>Eliott steps back and crouches down so he can look at Lucas.</p><p>''What? When? Who?"</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>"I don't know. Friday a week ago. We were at the skate park with the guys but I was too tired so I left them. I missed the bus so I have skateboarding along the Seine. I wanted to go down by the quays because it's prettier. There were five young people under one of the bridges who were smoking, they looked at me and called me a dirty faggot, offering me to come and suck their dick. I tried not to pay attention but one of them kicked the back of my skateboard and I fell. They insulted me and kicked me several times before running away because a woman started screaming.''</p><p>Eliott opens his eyes a little bit. He doesn't even dare to imagine the scene so he concentrates on what seems unthinkable: Lucas lied to him. When Eliott confessed to him to have lied to him about his meeting with Lola at the Urbex parties, Lucas and him discussed for a long, long time, Lucas explaining to him that he can't stand the idea of lying and that if Eliott lies to him, he won't know when he doesn't, whereas he prefers Eliott to tell him things clearly, or to take the time to be able to say it rather than to lie. Eliott looks at Lucas, still in shock. Lucas can't have lied to him, it's not possible.</p><p>''You've never fallen at the skate park?''</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott as if it was obvious and Eliott is so mad at himself for not seeing that Lucas was lying to him.</p><p>''I fell three days ago. I couldn't stop thinking about my lie and I lost my balance. I guess my mom was right, God always punishes liars."</p><p>Eliott gently caresses Lucas' cheek, incredulous.</p><p>''But why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me that? It's not your fault, babe."</p><p>Lucas sighs and looks down.</p><p>''I was ashamed, Eliott. I don't understand how they found out, and it's killing me inside. This is the first time I've ever been insulted. I was all alone, Eliott. It wasn't us, it was just me. It reminded me of how many times Yann's friend used to call me ''the gay'' and I realized that it shows in me. There's something about the way I look or the way I am that shows that I'm gay and...I don't know, it made me ask myself a lot of questions. I didn't want you to know what I thought of myself. And the fact that you found out by looking at my phone totally freaked me out. I don't care if you read my messages or hang out on my phone, but I didn't want you to know that I was wondering about myself because I'm ashamed to do it. I feel so bad, Eliott. I don't want to do it, but I can't stop thinking about how people see me. I didn't want you to think that I'm ashamed of us because I'm not. I am ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed to give so much importance to all this but I can't stop thinking about it."</p><p>Lucas starts crying again and Eliott takes him in his arms.</p><p>''I'm sorry, Lucas. There should be no such thing, you didn't deserve this, babe. Nobody deserves this. I'm sorry you went through this, but don't let some assholes get inside us like this, babe. I want to be there for you, even when you're hurting. I should have known that you were lying, I'm sorry, I''</p><p>Lucas puts his hands around Eliott and that's when he reacts.</p><p>''Wait, did you go back there?''</p><p>Lucas nods softly without leaving the embrace of Eliott.</p><p>''Yes, every night since, but they were never there. I know I shouldn't be looking for them, but I'm so angry."</p><p>Eliott pulls away from Lucas so he can look at him.</p><p>''If you never saw them again, who were you fighting with tonight?''</p><p>Lucas sighs and his voice is just a dark whisper.</p><p>''Yann.''</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. I could have helped you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Lucas doesn't say anything else and Eliott just holds him against him. Eventually they change places and settle down on their bed, sitting with their backs glued to the headboard. Eliott wishes he could take Lucas' thoughts out of his head and know exactly how to help him. He doesn't even know where to start, but he knows they need to talk.</p><p>''Babe, you know maybe those guys had just seen you with me before? Or maybe they insulted a bunch of other guys the same way before you did. I don't think they could see it just by looking at you for 30 seconds on your skateboard. In my opinion, they had already planned what they were going to do before they even saw you for real."</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders and sighs.</p><p>''I don't know. I fucking don't know."</p><p>Lucas looks like he's thought about it a million times. Eliott straightens up a little but keeps one arm around Lucas.</p><p>''Why are you so embarrassed that people know you're gay? That's what you are, Lucas, and I swear I love that part of you. So much. If it wasn't for that part of you, you wouldn't be in my arms."</p><p>Lucas smiles a tiny smile and then looks down.</p><p>''I know. But it scares me. I don't want everyone to look at me and say : <em>He's definitely gay for sure</em>. Do you think I've changed? That I'm more feminine than before? More mannered?"</p><p>Eliott thinks and then shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>"I don't think so. You're happier and brighter, but I don't think you're effeminate. As long as you're you and you feel good, that's all that matters. And even if you wanted to be more feminine, who cares? I put nail polish on sometimes, but I don't feel more feminine."</p><p>''But you're an artist, it's in keeping with your character, Eliott, I ''</p><p>Eliott is startled at Lucas' words and stands out slightly to be able to look him in the face.</p><p>''It's not a character, Lucas! It's me. It's just me. I do it because I like it and it makes me happy because I find it beautiful. I wish you were just you. I know it's hard to be different from other people, but pretending to be something you're not will not make you happy, babe."</p><p>Lucas sighs while agreeing to take back his place, huddled against the chest of Eliott.</p><p>''I know. But it scares me. Everybody says society is more tolerant, but now that I know that it shows in me, I'm scared. I don't want to wonder if I'm going to get hit every time I go out because some asshole can't stand that I like guys. Because I love you. I love you, my love. I love you so much. And I never want to stop doing it, but now I'm scared."</p><p>Eliott kisses him gently. It's probably one of the sweetest kisses they've ever shared, and Lucas seems to want to get lost in it, but Eliott gently backs away as he strokes his cheek.  </p><p>''I love you, my Lucas. I know it won't solve everything, but we can both take self-defense classes if you want. You can't live in fear all your life. Those little bastards don't deserve as much credit. And then imagine, we'd look good in kimonos."</p><p>Lucas chuckles and hugs Eliott, whispering a ''thank you'' and silence sets in for a few minutes before Eliott asks the question that has been burning his lips for a while.</p><p>''Why did you hit Yann?''</p><p>Lucas sighs and swallows hard. Eliott knows that Lucas has already fought a few times with his friends but he didn't think it could happen now.</p><p>''He laughed.''</p><p>Eliott pulls gently on Lucas' chin so that he can step back to look at him. </p><p>''You understand that I need a better explanation.''</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes but nods.</p><p>''In our class there's a girl named Marine and she's a fucking whore's tongue. She's been making a lot of unfunny and inappropriate jokes all days and I hate her."</p><p>Eliott nods gently, caressing the inside of Lucas' hand. It's been almost three weeks since school started and Eliott has to digest the fact that Lucas hasn't told him about her. Why is Lucas telling him that everything is going well when it is not?</p><p>''At the beginning of the school year, she began to say that our group was a collection of stereotypes, that there was a black man, an Asian woman, a handicapped man, a redhead, a bimbo and that only one gay man was missing. Yann laughed and said that I was there. And that pissed me off. I don't care if the students in my class know it, it's just that I don't want to be considered like that. I'm Lucas, I'm not "the gay guy". Do you understand?"</p><p>Eliott nods with a smile. Of course he understands. Eliott hates being labeled the bipolar guy, even though it's part of him.</p><p>''So that pissed me off, but I didn't say anything. Arthur shouted because he doesn't want his handicap to characterize him and Yann said we were lucky because he could never hide his skin color. So I just let it go."</p><p>Eliott kisses Lucas' cheek. It makes him slightly startled but Lucas smiles at him.</p><p>''And then this afternoon when we were coming out of class, Raphael, you know the guy I'm paired up with...''</p><p>Eliott nods. He has never met this guy, but he knows that he and Lucas were paired up for a project, because Lucas complained that he couldn't choose and do it with Yann and then finally, two days later, he was super happy because Raphael is apparently super nice and hard-working.</p><p>"Well, he hadn't said anything about it, and he didn't have to do it anyway. Anyway, his boyfriend picked him up right after school. He threw himself in his arms in front of the university and they were just too cute to kiss like they hadn't seen each other in a long time. Marine had to ruin everything, she said <em>''Oh shit, he's gay too. It's crazy, no: they can't reproduce, but they are more and more"</em>, and Yann laughed. He laughed, Eliott!"</p><p>Lucas bursts into tears and Eliott holds him close to him.</p><p>''He's supposed to be my best friend and he laughed.''</p><p>Eliott understands. It hurts when hurtful words come from strangers, but it's even worse when it comes from someone we care about. Even if it's not meant to hurt, it hurts so much to see that homophobia is so much a part of society that few people realize that it just hurts horribly for the people involved.</p><p>''So you smashed his face in?"</p><p>Lucas steps back, shaking his head, drying his tears.</p><p>''What? No, I barely even grazed him. All right, he might have a bruise on his cheek, but I hurt my hands hitting the bridge."</p><p>''Which bridge?"</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes and smiles.</p><p>''Our bridge.''</p><p>Eliott kisses him gently before frowning.</p><p>"Baz says you're suspended."</p><p>Lucas loses his smile and nods.</p><p>''Damn, news travels fast. Yeah, one week. Cause I told Marine to shut the fuckin' mouth. She slapped me so I gave it back to her and guess what, she can hit me any way she wants, but I wasn't allowed to hit a girl. Long live equality! I know I shouldn't have done it, but I wouldn't apologize, so there's no need to even talk about it.''</p><p>Eliott gently kisses Lucas' face. He kisses him everywhere, trying to take away all of Lucas' problems in the process.</p><p>''I'm sorry I didn't see you in so much pain, baby. Thanks for talking to me. I love you so much."</p><p>Lucas gives Eliott a gentle kiss before he backs out.</p><p>''I wanted to talk to you, my love, but I didn't want you to have to go through another one of my bullshit identity crises. I didn't want you to think that I was ashamed of us. I'm not ashamed to be with you, Eliott."</p><p>Eliott nods, taking Lucas against him.</p><p>''I think I understand, babe, but you should have told me when you got hit. I can't believe you lied to me.  I could have been there for you, we could have gone to the police station. You still can, Lucas. You should do it."</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I don't even know who he was, Eliott, I just want to forget it.''</p><p>Eliott shakes his head.</p><p>''You should do it, baby. If not for yourself, do it for the other guys 'cause assholes like that ain't gonna stop."</p><p>Lucas nods softly.</p><p>''Maybe. Tonight I just wanna be with you. I'm sorry, I should have told you, but I was ashamed. I felt so bad. I'm so sorry. I should have talked to you instead of keeping it to myself. I should never have drank so much. I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliott pulls his black hair gently with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>''I wonder what you regret more, dyeing your hair or yelling at me for stopping you from kissing that hysterical blonde?''</p><p>Lucas sighs dramatically and Eliott laughs.</p><p>''I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm seeing the scene again as if I'm outside myself. I just can't believe it. What I dared to tell you. You know I didn't mean it, right? Even for Lucille. You know I'm not mad at you anymore and I know it was my fault, too, right?"</p><p>''I know, baby. Don't worry, I'm fine. We're fine."</p><p>Lucas smiles as he looks at him and then puts his head against Eliott's chest and they stay a moment like that, just in their bubble.</p><p>"In my drunken memories'' finally says Lucas with a smile ''I see you again jealous and possessive. Were you really jealous? Yet you know I feel nothing for girls."</p><p>Eliott shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I don't care. Your lips are just mine."</p><p>He moves Lucas and kisses him as if to prove it, and Lucas climbs up on his thighs before placing his forehead against Eliott's forehead.</p><p>"Ok, could you help me ?"</p><p>Eliott nods.</p><p>"Sure, tell me what you need."</p><p>Lucas gently pulls his hair.</p><p>''I want my color back. I'm jumping every time I look in the mirror. It's horrible."</p><p>Eliott nods with a smile.</p><p>''Oh, fuck, yeah. I'm sorry and I love you, but this black doesn't match your beautiful eyes at all. Why black, babe?"</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I guess I wanted to be a mystery man, too. You should be happy, I almost bought a hair trimmer and shaved everything. But I thought there would be three trimmers and that would be too much".</p><p>Eliott buries his head in Lucas' hair.</p><p>''I don't even want to imagine that. But you know some gay people are bald, right? A haircut and a hair color is not gonna make you straight."</p><p>Lucas sighs as he looks at Eliott smiling. Oh God, Eliott missed being able to tease Lucas so much and see his face so cute when Eliott does it: Lucas rolling his eyes with a sweet smile, only half annoyed because he knows Eliott is teasing him just for laugh.</p><p>''I didn't want to be straight, I just wanted to see if... oh, I don't know. You're boring me."</p><p>Eliott starts laughing, pulling Lucas even closer to him.</p><p>''I know. I love you.""</p><p>Lucas hugs Eliott.</p><p>''Thank you for being patient with me. I was stuck in a place I thought I would never go again."</p><p>Eliott gently caresses Lucas' face and then kisses him on the top of the cheek.</p><p>''I'll always love you enough for both of us, you know. Come on, let's get this hair back to life."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. We should have talked about it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I used the relationship Robbe/Milan that WTFock offers us to talk about the relationship Lucas/Mika, because I think the relationship in WTFock is wonderful, there is a real trust between Robbe and Milan and Milan continues to guide Robbe even after season 3...so...here we are...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Where did you do it?"</p><p>Lucas laughs in front of Eliott's falsely disgusted face showing Lucas' hair. ''it'' designating this horrible color that frightens him every time he crosses his reflection somewhere in the last three days.</p><p>''In the bathroom at the supermarket, I think I rotted their sink.''</p><p>Eliott smiles.</p><p>''Like Angelina Jolie in Salt? Oh, my God, I'm imagining it so much. I see that finally the film culture I'm teaching you in high doses is paying off."</p><p>Lucas laughs as he looks at Eliott's reflection in the mirror and Eliott takes the dye pack in his hands to shake it.</p><p>"Ok, here we go Mr. Lucas Lallemant. Don't forget that I've never done this before. So any claim will be refused.''</p><p>Eliott presses the bottle on Lucas' head before massaging his hair and then starts laughing.</p><p>''Shit, there was a cream to put on you first so you wouldn't make a mark on your skin.''</p><p>He removes his hands from Lucas' head and Lucas' eyes widen. He turns around and grabs Eliott's wrists.</p><p>''Didn't you put the gloves on? Fuck, you're gonna get your hands stained."</p><p>Eliott looks at his hands and then at the nylon gloves on the corner of the sink and bursts out laughing. Lucas rolls his eyes but laughs with him and finally Eliott kisses him, pressing him against the sink while massaging his hair. </p><p>"Okay, let's be serious, I wouldn't want it to be worse than before."</p><p>Lucas nods and then shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''At worst we'll cut.''</p><p>Eliott looks at him as if he just said a blasphemy and shakes his head.</p><p>''No way.''</p><p>They wait for the thirty minutes requested while cuddling on the couch because they both missed it too much, then Eliott rinses Lucas' hair in the sink. </p><p>''Uh, Lucas, Do not shout. I told you I never did.''</p><p>Lucas stands up, his hair dripping with water and jumping up and down.</p><p>''Yeah. It didn't do anything." confirms Eliott, almost jaded.</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas' hair, which is still as black as before, and then starts laughing.</p><p>''Are you sure it was at least a dye job you bought?''</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes and sighs.</p><p>''Of course it was. At least I think so. Oh, shit, fuck. Lucas drunk, I hate you!"</p><p>Eliott giggles and pulls his phone out of his pocket.</p><p>"I guess we're gonna have to use our Joker."</p><p>Lucas sighs but nods. And finally, barely an hour later, Mika arrives in their apartment, arms full of packages.</p><p>''I think I have everything.''</p><p>Mika is startled as he looks at Lucas while Eliott wonders how he managed to be so fast. It took him and Lucas almost an hour to choose the dye that would bring back his true color to Lucas. And all this for nothing more.</p><p>''Oh my God, kitten, why so black? It doesn't even look natural. Come on, in the bathroom, we have to bleach all this stuff before we do a color again, otherwise the color won't set."</p><p>Lucas watches Mika spread the different packages on their kitchen table and then looks at Eliott with puppy eyes.</p><p>"We could cut it all off, it would be faster, wouldn't it?"</p><p>Mika is already training Lucas in the bathroom, not even giving Eliott the time to answer.</p><p>''Eliott, come help us, take the decolorizer.''</p><p>Eliott joins them, taking the decolorizer and watches Mika act gently but firmly.</p><p>"So? Gay panic?"</p><p>Lucas looks for Eliott's gaze in the reflection of the mirror but Mika makes him put his head straight again.</p><p>"He didn't say anything. But when my kitten arrives drunk, his hair dyed and starts hitting on all the girls in the bar...I think he's going through a hard time. Your guru knows you as well as ever, kitten."</p><p>Lucas moans at the guru's evocation and makes Eliott laugh, but he soon feels too much. </p><p>"You want me to leave you?"</p><p>Lucas shakes his head and holds out his hand for Eliott to come and hold it.<br/> <br/>"I got hit by some little assholes and it bothered me because I was all alone. I just..."</p><p>Lucas looks at Mika in the mirror, and it reminds him too much of their first discussion on the subject.</p><p>''Did it bother you that they know you're gay without them seeing you as a couple?''</p><p>Lucas shamefully nods his head but Mika shrugs his shoulders as he continues to spread the product all over Lucas's hair.</p><p>''It's okay, Lucas. What they did is a big deal, and I hope you're going to press charges because it's important not to remain silent. But it doesn't matter if it affected you personally. That's normal. They hit you for who you are and it hurts, I know that. I'm really sad that you had to go through this."</p><p>Lucas nods his head and shakes it.</p><p>"What hurt me was to tell myself that they saw it, just by looking at me. And I was so ashamed to think that. Because I love Eliott, and I don't want to be ashamed of being gay. But I don't want to be<em> "The gay"</em>. It's so fucking fucked up."</p><p>Mika giggles and then rinses his hands before stroking Lucas' cheek.</p><p>''Nobody wants to be seen by just one label, kitten. Nobody wants to be<em> "The gay"</em> on duty. The one who's always nice, always funny, always exuberant, who sleeps around and talks about nothing but a booty call''.</p><p>Lucas turns around to look at Mika, frowning.</p><p>''Oh? You think I'm describing myself. I'm not "The gay guy", I'm me. Mika. I'm always happy, 'cause that's the way I am. I'm trying to shine to bring happiness around me, and I think I would be the same if I was straight. So yes, maybe I've spent so many hours on Grindr that I could log on with my eyes closed, but straight people do the same thing on Meetic every day. And look at me now, I'm about to celebrate my six months of crazy love with Camille and yet I'm still the same. I was raised in a traditionalist family where everything is taboo, and there's no way I'm going to let taboos invade my life. I want my life to be a party but it has nothing to do with my sexuality. There are no gay stereotypes, Lucas, there are only fucking representations. For every stereotype that's ruining your life, I swear, if you look closely, some straight guys are doing exactly the same thing.''</p><p>''Even dress like a girl?'</p><p>Mika's rolling his eyes.</p><p>''At parties, yeah, that happens. I mean, look at bachelor parties. Dressing like a girl doesn't make you gay, and not all gays wear women's clothing. Some straight men do, though. You can do whatever you want, kitten. You can have an earring or even two like Colin Farrell or Johny Depp, have the long hair of Brad Pitt -when he was young of course- or get a bun like Leonardo Di Caprio, get your nipples pierced or''</p><p>''Okay okay, he gets it. Don't put so many ideas in my boyfriend's head. Seriously Mika, pierced nipples?"</p><p>Lucas and Mika burst out laughing as Eliott rolls his eyes.</p><p>''Would you love me with an earring?''</p><p>Lucas has a half hesitant voice, a bit like asking permission and it makes Eliott smile as he strokes his cheek.</p><p>''Obviously. I'm sure it would look good on you. Why, is it something you'd want?"</p><p>Lucas shakes his head and smiles.</p><p>''No, not particularly. I was just checking."</p><p>Eliott looks up to the sky but bends over to kiss Lucas, who is laughing.</p><p>''Eliott, watch my work, don't ruin it.''</p><p>Eliott laughs and just leaves a little kiss on Lucas' lips before going into the kitchen and going out for a drink. Mika joins him almost immediately.</p><p>''He has to wait ten minutes. Is he really getting better?''</p><p>Eliott smiles and nods.</p><p>''I think so. He's agreed to go to the police station tomorrow, hopefully that will help him. And there's a girl in his class who''</p><p>Eliott stops because Lucas joins them.</p><p>''Oh, I knew you guys would talk about me. But I understand. Thank you both for being there for me.''</p><p>Lucas tells Mika what Marine said, and how Yann's reaction hurt him, then how he reacted.</p><p>''Ok. So first of all, I'm sorry kitten, but I don't condone you hitting a woman. But she didn't have to hit you either and she should have been punished for that. If I were you, I would go to the principal's office tomorrow and demand justice. I think you need to talk to Yann. And for Marine, I have a wonderful idea."</p><p>Mika rubs his hands with a Machiavellian smile, visibly preparing something and Lucas rolls his eyes with a dramatic sigh.</p><p>''Oh my God, Mika. Please don't do anything stupid."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I thought we were happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The next morning, Eliott wakes up in bed, Lucas sleeping peacefully in his arms. And it feels so good. He puts a few sweet kisses on Lucas' cheek, which grunts gently but gives him a nice smile before he even opens his eyes. </p><p>'' Good morning babe. Nice to have you back."</p><p>Eliott caresses Lucas' silky hair. He never thought it would take so long, but after 2 hours of bleaching, care, coloring and more care, Lucas' hair is exactly as it was before. Maybe even softer. </p><p>''Sorry I left. I'm glad I came back. Thanks for waiting for me."</p><p>Lucas hugs him and Eliott finally feels like he's breathing properly. He would stay there all day but his alarm clock reminder rings and Lucas kisses him one last time before getting out of bed and getting dressed. </p><p>Eliott looks at him and frowns. Lucas dresses too well to stay home. Lucas looks at him and seems amused.</p><p>''Yeah, I'm going to class. If she's not suspended, I'm not suspended either. And I'm going to talk to Yann. We need to clear things up between the two of us. I can't stay mad at my best friend because it hurts me, but we need to talk."</p><p>Eliott sits down in bed and takes a huge smile.</p><p>''You're right. If this works and you're in all day in class, can I pick you up? I get off at 5:00 and I'm not working tonight, so maybe we could go out."</p><p>Lucas nods before he pulls Eliott's arm out of bed.</p><p>''With pleasure, my love.''</p><p>And that's exactly why Eliott is waiting quietly in front of Lucas' university. He received a message from Lucas telling him that he was able to convince the principal and that his suspension had been cancelled, and another, more enigmatic one from Mika who asked him if he was going to pick up Lucas tonight after class. </p><p>Maybe Mika was afraid that Lucas would be alone.</p><p>Of course, Mika didn't answer any of Eliott's messages asking why he wanted to know. And it's when he sees it coming that he understands. Mika wears a pink hooded sweater and plays with the big laces, letting his fingernails, painted in the colors of the rainbow, show through. Eliott wouldn't be so surprised by this, if he wasn't accompanied by Camille. </p><p>Camille wears his denim jacket, but lets us see a t-shirt with the words<em> ''My boyfriend is the best''</em> on it. Eliott could bet that it was Mika who gave him that, and he makes a mental note to ask him where he got it, because he wants the exact same one.</p><p>''Hi!''</p><p>Mika has a huge smile that doesn't leave a good impression.</p><p>"Hi, Eliott, how you doing?"</p><p>Eliott nods gently.</p><p>''I'm fine. Why do I feel like you're up to something?"</p><p>Mika shrugs his shoulders and Camille laughs.</p><p>''Cause I am?''</p><p>The doors open, letting out Yann and Arthur apparently in the middle of a discussion. Arthur spots the boys first and greets them. The guilt can be read on Yann's face when he meets Eliott's gaze. Yann does not have the time to have reached him when a brown rocket throws itself into Eliott's arms.</p><p>"Hi baby."</p><p>Eliott kisses him, holds him a little bit before putting him back on the floor.</p><p>''I miss you so much.''</p><p>Basile joins them laughing and Mika gives him an elbow.</p><p>"Baz, who's Marine?"</p><p>Basile waits and then shows a brunette laughing with another girl, pointing at a guy. Eliott looks at the guy in question and assumes it must be Raphael because he joins another cute guy and slips his hand into his.</p><p>"Hey, Marine!" calls Mika once she passes by the group.</p><p>The girl turns to him and frowns.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>Mika gives him a huge smile and Lucas sighs softly because he knows Mika has plans.</p><p>''We're not reproducing and we're no more than we were before, we just have enough guts to be ourselves despite the remarks of little jerks like you''.</p><p>And then it becomes totally unreal. An incredible number of guys join them and watch Marine who obviously doesn't know what to say anymore.</p><p>''It's just love. And with hate running through your veins, it won't hurt to see what love is."</p><p>Mika kisses Camille and the twenty, or maybe thirty guys who are now around them on the university forecourt, kiss each other too. </p><p>Yann, Arthur and Basile hallucinate completely, then Basile and Arthur look at each other, nod their heads and kiss each other. Lucas bursts out laughing and Eliott does the same, laughing even more when Lucas takes their picture. In the middle of it all, Marine's face swings between disgust, confusion, anger and shame. Lucas turns to Eliott who kisses him.</p><p>"I love you so much."</p><p>Lucas kisses him quickly, too eager to look again at the university forecourt full of guys kissing so Eliott looks around, too. Marine tries to leave the forecourt, grunting, bumping into the kissing or hugging couples and staring at her. And the guy she was pointing at earlier joins them with a huge smile.</p><p>''Lucas, that was awesome!''.</p><p>''Thanks, Raph, but it's Mika not me.''</p><p>Raphael's face falls when he looks at Mika and Mika's face falls when he looks at his boyfriend.</p><p>''Oh?! Oh. Okay. Good to see you guys again. Alban, right?"</p><p>Raphael's boyfriend nods, obviously impressed.</p><p>''I didn't think you'd remember. So you two know each other, then?"</p><p>He looks at Raphael, who gives him the same questioning look.</p><p>''From Mika's smile, I guess I knew him the same way you did.''</p><p>They burst out laughing and Mika laughs with them. </p><p>''I'm happy for you.''</p><p>Eliott looks at Camille. He might be embarrassed to be faced with Mika's one-night stands, but instead, he puts his arm around Mika with a proud smile.</p><p>''So Lucas, do you know Mika too?''</p><p>Raphael presses the word "know" and Lucas shakes his head and laughs.</p><p>''Oh no, not like that. We used to be roommates."</p><p>''Oh, no,'' says Mika, ''That's my baby, I never imagined he'd end up in my bed. But I wouldn't say the same for Eliott...."</p><p>Eliott starts laughing, because he is sure Mika doesn't even think so, but Lucas' face is so funny to see. Lucas gets closer to Eliott and points at Camille and then Mika.</p><p>''Camille, keep your boyfriend away from mine.''</p><p>Camille laughs and tenderly kisses Mika's cheek.</p><p>''Stop honey, they'll think you're not happy with me.''</p><p>Mika looks at him, kisses him and then turns theatrically to the small group.</p><p>''I am really happy, and totally satisfied with Camille, just so you know. Totally, totally satisfied!''</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes while everyone starts to laugh.</p><p>''Well Camille, you managed to tame Mika,'' Alban remarks, ''I'm happy for you, guys."</p><p>Raphael looks at the square, which regains its calm and then his gaze falls on Arthur and Basile.</p><p>''So you???''</p><p>They shake their heads and laugh.</p><p>''No, sorry. We have girlfriends, but it would have been stupid not to take advantage of the love impulse."</p><p>Arthur looks up at Basile and he looks up at the sky.</p><p>''Love impulse? You jumped me. At least that's what I'd say to Alexia."</p><p>Basile looks up to the sky in turn, smiling like a tooth puller.</p><p>"You kissed me, at least that's what I'll tell Daphne. But it was cool, you're a good kisser."</p><p>''Thank you, you too.''</p><p>Raphael looks at them laughing and thanking Lucas again for the entertainment before leaving hand in hand before Alban. Eliott has a fucking smile on his face because it was just great and totally unreal. That sounds like an idea from Mika. </p><p>''Are these all your exes?'' asks Basile intrigued.</p><p>''What? No! They're friends. Maybe I slept with a few, but otherwise they're just friends. We're all part of the same family, whether we look alike or not. We may only have one thing in common: that we like guys, but it unites us against all those who think it's not normal or that we can laugh about it or make fun of the courage it takes to be oneself."</p><p>Yann puts down his head, visibly embarrassed, and Mika don't let go of his gaze.</p><p>''Do you want me to laugh when someone asks you what country you come from?''</p><p>Yann sighs and shakes his head before looking at Lucas.</p><p>''I'm sorry, lulu. I've been a real jerk."</p><p>Lucas nods.</p><p>''Yeah. Really. But at least you're realizing it. I think we've talked enough about this, Yann. Just don't do it again, okay?"</p><p>Yann opens his arms and looks at Lucas.</p><p>"Best friends?"</p><p>Lucas nods his head and detaches himself from Eliott to enter Yann's arms.</p><p>''Of course. I can never be mad at you, Bro."</p><p>Eliott looks at them and he just wants to rip Yann's head off for dropping Lucas. But maybe he's so angry with Yann because it's easier than being angry with himself. He's angry that he wasn't there for Lucas when he needed him. In fact, it was Lucas who didn't want him around when he needed him and maybe that's what hurts even more.</p><p>''Eliott, shall we go?''</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas who smiles at him but he can't even smile back at him because there are too many questions going around in his head : <em>What if Lucas hadn't asked for his help because he was sure that Eliott couldn't help him? What if he wasn't afraid of his reaction, but he was afraid it would trigger an episode? Is that why Lucas hadn't told him about Marine either? Is he hiding other things from him to protect him? What if Lucas thought </em></p><p>''Eliott? Are you listening to me?"</p><p>Eliott blinks while looking at Lucas' hand that is waving in front of his face.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>''Where have you been? I've been talking to you for two minutes. Are you okay?"</p><p>Eliott nods gently only because all their friends are looking at him, but he's not sure what his answer.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. It's all my fault</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>For the past four days, Eliott has been observing Lucas and asking himself question : <em>Why did Lucas prefer to suffer alone than to talk to him?</em></p><p>It is the only thing that Eliott can think of. He completely stalls in class because this thought obsesses him. At work, he dropped a stack of DVD's just filed and wasted a lot of time re-ordering everything because he couldn't concentrate. Earlier, he tried to draw a little to relax but he ended up sending the drawing book away from him. Luckily, Lucas hadn't come home to see it yet. </p><p>And now that they're both in bed, this question goes on and on and on and on without ever stopping because Eliott can't find the answer. Lucas kisses him on the neck before he kisses him on the chest and yet, Eliott hardly feels it, far too preoccupied with the questions that are swirling around in his head :</p><p>
  <em>Does Lucas not trust him enough? Was Lucas afraid of his reaction? Did he want to protect him so much that he hides his worries from him just to avoid worrying him? Are they really equal in their relationship? Is their relationship really healthy?</em>
</p><p>Lucas comes down, gently kissing him on the side of his belly. It's only when he feels the moist heat from Lucas' mouth around him that Eliott realizes what they are doing. Finally rather of what Lucas does to him. <em>Does Lucas do it only because he wants to please Eliott?</em></p><p>Once this thought slams in Eliott's head, he feels totally submerged by this situation.</p><p>"Stop. Stop."</p><p>Lucas stops immediately, worried, while Eliott sits in bed. Suddenly, he feels too much. He is too intrusive. Too intense. Too much in the center of Lucas' attention.</p><p>''Eliott? Did I hurt you?"</p><p>Eliott jumps out of bed shaking his head.</p><p>"No."</p><p>He leaves the room before Lucas has time to understand. He hesitates to leave the apartment directly, but he needs to take a shower too much. He feels dirty without really knowing why. He has just enough time to lock the bathroom door before Lucas tries to open it.</p><p>''Eliott, please open the door. Eliott."</p><p>Eliott looks around and at that very moment he regrets that the bathroom window is just a small skylight because otherwise he would have gone out that way.</p><p>''Eliott, open up, talk to me or I'll break the door down. Are you all right?''</p><p>Eliott shakes his head but he can't talk anymore. No, he's not okay. He just realized that he stole a year and a half of Lucas' life. Lucas has formatted himself to respond to Eliott's desires but he has never asked himself if it pleased him. Eliott feels like a monster. He should have given Lucas some time, given him time to mature, to decide what kind of person he wanted to be. It's his fault that Lucas is going through identity crises, because he doesn't have an identity without Eliott. Eliott is so suffocating him that he has stolen his identity. </p><p>
  <em>When things didn't go well, Lucas needed to be alone, is it because Eliott suffocates him? Does Lucas feel like he doesn't exist without him? Does he put his life on the back burner for Eliott?</em>
</p><p>Knocks ring out the door and Eliott feels terribly trapped. He has to leave. He must leave before Lucas ruins his life for him. </p><p>The door lock bursts and the door opens with such a crash that Eliott crouches on the bathroom floor with his head in his hands and starts crying.</p><p>''I'm here, my love. I'm here.''</p><p>Lucas touches his arm gently, but it's too much to bear so Eliott pushes him away.</p><p>''You shouldn't. I'm no good for you. This is all my fault."</p><p>Lucas moves closer but doesn't touch him.</p><p>''Eliott, are you having an episode?''</p><p>Eliott looks up to watch Lucas between the tears. Lucas is the first and only person to ask him that question. His parents, and especially Lucille, have always told him as a statement, "You're having another fucking episode, Eliott !" even when it wasn't true. But from the beginning, Lucas has been asking him and forcing him to think about how he really feels. </p><p>Eliott looks at him with an empty look and sighs because he is obliged to nod.</p><p>''I think so.''</p><p>Lucas nods softly, smiling tenderly as if it didn't matter. </p><p>"Can I help you?''</p><p>Eliott closes his eyes and feels the tears flowing by themselves. He totally ruins Lucas' life but Lucas stays there, ready to help him.</p><p>''Stay away from me. Go away, Lucas. I'm no good for you.''</p><p>Lucas shakes his head.</p><p>''I would never leave, my love. I'll help you, you'll get better and then we'll talk calmly. You are good for me. You are so good to me. You're the best thing that ever happened to me in my life."</p><p>Eliott closes his eyes and he hears Lucas' voice. What he said to him less than a week ago: <em>I didn't think I cared, but it's only when you're with me.</em></p><p>Eliott thought Lucas felt protected with him. But in fact, if Lucas felt that way, it was because Eliott made him feel like he was worthless without him. That he wasn't able to exist without him. That he had to depend totally on him. </p><p>But Eliott doesn't want that. He doesn't want to kill Lucas' personality, nor does he want him to feel incomplete.</p><p>''Eliott, come into the bedroom, you're gonna get cold like that.''</p><p>Eliott shakes his head, pushing Lucas away, which he finds too close to him.</p><p>''I want you to leave, Lucas. Stay away from me."</p><p>''I wouldn't leave like that. Please come to bed, then I'll leave you alone if you want, I'll go to the living room."</p><p>Eliott shakes his head so hard that it gives him a headache.</p><p>''No, I want you to leave, Lucas. Just go away! Go away, Lucas! I don't want to anymore! I want to break up."</p><p>Eliott closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands, wishing to be swallowed by the bathroom floor to disappear from here.</p><p>He doesn't really know how he got into bed, but when he opens his eyes, he's in his bed. The sun filters under the curtain, indicating that it is daylight outside. He reaches out his hand, but of course the bed is empty next to him. At the same time, he is the one who told Lucas to leave. </p><p>
  <em>What if that's all Lucas was waiting for? What if he was finally relieved?</em>
</p><p>The door that opens makes him jump in his mind, but he knows that his body has not moved. His eyes probably didn't even blink. Tears flow when he sees his mother. Lucas never called Eliott's parents during an episode, even when they were very difficult. If his mother is there, Lucas is gone. It's all over now. </p><p>He puts the blanket over his head and his mother sits next to him like he did when he was 12 years old. </p><p>''Here Eliott, drink a little. Come on, big boy."</p><p>Eliott hates her. Lucas never ordered anything like that for him. He's the only one who can handle him and now he's gone. Eliott wants Lucas, but he knows he has no right to be selfish like that so he just stares at their fucking wall, tears running down his cheeks. And then after a few minutes, it's just too hard, he needs to see him. So he calls out to him in a whisper.</p><p>''Lucas.''</p><p>His mother gently strokes his cheek.</p><p>''He's not there, big boy, don't you remember?''</p><p>Eliott bursts into tears, not hearing what his mother says. He closes his eyes, tears still flowing. He doesn't go back to sleep, but he doesn't want to see his mother, reminding  too much that Lucas is gone. </p><p>He must have gone back to sleep because when he opens his eyes again, it's almost dark. The curtain and the window are open and Eliott hates it. Lucas never does that. Lucas knows that Eliott needs to live in the dark and in the stifling heat of his room when he's not feeling well and he respects that. His parents never understood that, telling Eliott that he needed to air out and that the sun would help him get better anyway. His mother always told him it was even more depressing to stay in the dark, but Eliott needs it. </p><p>He grunts, pulling the comforter up over his head and the bedroom door opens. He quickly lifts up the comforter but puts it back on when he sees his mother's face. He doesn't know how many days Lucas has been gone, but he's sure he must be glad he finally got away from all this crap. Eliott should have been less selfish and offered him this outing a long time ago. </p><p>Their minute by minute is gone.</p><p>That minute, Eliott just wants to die because he has lost his reason to live. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I feel like I'm smothering you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Eliott's mother removes the cover from his face and moves the hair away from Eliott's face.</p><p>''He asks if he can come to, Eliott. Is it okay if Lucas comes in? Do you agree to see him?"</p><p>Eliott just raises his head a little to look at the door and that seems to be enough of a sign because his mother gets up and opens the door to their room. Lucas is just behind, smiling softly. Waiting patiently for Eliott to let him in. He watches Eliott's reaction, not seeming to be afraid, but looking rather worried.</p><p>''I think he's calmed down.'' says his mother softly.</p><p>''You haven't left?''</p><p>Lucas shakes his head as he enters the room. Eliott cries a little more and Lucas approaches him, crouching down beside the bed.</p><p>''Of course not, my love. I had to leave to go to the police station. Three other guys filed charges like me and they arrested the gang, so I went to recognize them. You were right in pushing me to do it. Thank you my love. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you asked me. I'm here now, it's all over."</p><p>''I'll leave you, Lucas, I'm in the living room, okay.''</p><p>''Thank you, Annabelle.''</p><p>Lucas waits for the bedroom door to close, then he gets up, goes to close the window and then the curtains and comes back to Eliott, crouching down beside the bed.</p><p>''Can I touch you?''</p><p>Eliott makes a tiny movement but Lucas continues to stare at him without moving, visibly waiting for his answer. </p><p>"Yes."</p><p>His voice is only a whisper but Lucas grabs him and puts his hand on his back, applying firm pressure. He knows that when he's not feeling well, Eliott needs a lot of pressure on his body so that the touch is soothing. A normal touch makes him feel like someone is trying to burn his skin, while more pressure makes him feel like he is being taken care of.</p><p>Eliott starts crying again because he doesn't know what to think. Why was his mother there if Lucas was too? </p><p>''It's all right, my love. Just rest, we'll talk about it when you're better. For every problem that goes through your head, we'll find a solution. Minute by minute, remember?"</p><p>Eliott goes back to sleep without really realizing it and only dozes off after that. He has the impression that he never really sleeps, but at the same time each time he wakes up, he notes that Lucas is dressed differently, that the sun doesn't shine any more, or on the contrary that it shines too much.</p><p>He remembers asking Lucas why his mother was there but he doesn't remember when he did. Hearing Lucas tell him that it was because Eliott wouldn't let him near him or take care of him was too hard to do so he went back to sleep, his head buzzing with new questions:<em> Was Lucas afraid of him? Did he try to be violent towards Lucas? Did he hurt him?</em></p><p>This time, when he opens his eyes, he is lying on top of Lucas. Lucas is sitting in their bed and Eliott with his head on his thighs, one arm around him, hanging on to the bottom of his shirt as if to hold him. It takes Eliott several minutes before he realizes that Lucas' fingers are playing in his hair, and that it gives him a feeling of well-being. </p><p>And once again, he can't help but wonder why Lucas is doing this. So he stands up and moans because his body hurts all over and sits down in front of Lucas.</p><p>''Why are you playing with my hair?''</p><p>Eliott didn't want it to sound so accusatory, but his voice is so hoarse that it sounds really bad. Lucas looks at him in amazement and then shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I don't know, because it relaxes me, like a stress reliever. I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliott shakes his head and stretches out, taking his place on his thighs, but Lucas doesn't put his hand back in his hair.</p><p>''Why do you like to suck my dick?''</p><p>Lucas coughs, visibly choking on his saliva before letting out a small laugh.</p><p>''Sorry, you surprised me. For the same reason that you like to do it to me, I guess, because I know you like it and I like to see what I can make you feel. I like to hear the moaning you do during it because it makes me proud and I think I like it even more because I'm the only one who can do it. But if you don't want to, I won't do it anymore, Eliott. I'd never do anything that''</p><p>"Shhh. Shhh. You talk too much."</p><p>He takes Lucas' hand and places it in his hair, sighing with satisfaction. Lucas bends in half to kiss him on the cheek and Eliott moans softly while closing his eyes. </p><p>He has the impression to have slept only a few seconds, but when he wakes up, Lucas is not there any more and Eliott hears him who is angry in the living room.</p><p>''This is my fucking life! I can do what I want.''</p><p>''Lucas, you have to come to class.''</p><p>Yann's voice startled him. Really this time. Then Eliott detaches himself from the mattress and gets out of bed.</p><p>''I'll come back when he's better.''</p><p>''Damn, Lucas, you did good in high school. You can't miss more than a week in the first month of school. You can't let his disease control your life."</p><p>Eliott stands on the walls because it hurts to hear. It sucks that it's coming out of Yann's mouth, but if he realizes that Lucas is ruining his life because of Eliott, it's the truth.</p><p>''Stop your bullshit, Yann! It's not his illness that controls my life, it's the love I have for him. That's what being in love is all about, taking care of each other.''</p><p>"Then why didn't you trust me enough to help you when you weren't well?"</p><p>Lucas is startled and rushes to come to Eliott.</p><p>''That's because of me, Eliott. It's not about you. Okay Yann, I'll see you later."</p><p>Lucas doesn't even wait for Yann to leave to enter in the bedroom, brushing against Eliott when he passes the doorway. He opens the curtains slightly so that the room is less dark and then goes to sit on the bed waving to Eliott to join him.</p><p>Eliott sits with his back against the headboard and raises his knees so he can put his chin on it.</p><p>"I'm sorry I did that, my love," says Lucas softly, "I trust you, I swear I trust you. I didn't want you to realize how freaked out I was by all my questions. I didn't want to disappoint you."</p><p>Eliott gently nods his head and sighs.</p><p>''I feel like I'm smothering you. I feel like I've kept you from knowing who you are, that you've grown up to meet my expectations, not yours. I feel that you always need my approval or that you never make the decisions on your own, that you think too much about what I might think about it."</p><p>Lucas closed his eyes during this long enumeration. He reopens them, looking at Eliott as if to say "Is it good? Are you done?" and Eliott understands him because he nods gently.</p><p>"Okay, so I have no personality and no ability to do things on my own. That's nice to hear."</p><p>Eliott shakes his head and reaches out his arm to touch Lucas' arm.</p><p>"No, I don't want to say that. I'm afraid I'm too much, Lucas, and you're going to forget yourself because you always put me first."</p><p>Lucas lowers his head, obviously not knowing what to say, so he shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''How many days have you been out of school?''</p><p>Lucas sighs.</p><p>''I missed five days. It's Thursday. But you were so bad, I didn't want to leave you. I needed to be there for you, Eliott. Because I love you."</p><p>Eliott sighs.</p><p>''I love you too, Lucas, but I'm smothering you and you're overprotective.''</p><p>Lucas shakes his head and takes Eliott's face in his hands for him to look at.</p><p>''No, I'm not.''</p><p>Eliott sighs. It's even worse because Lucas doesn't even realize he is.</p><p>''You didn't even tell me about Marine. You always told me your classes were going well. I know you don't have to tell me everything, but it's all those little things that show me that you don't want me to know what's wrong with your life. And now I'm thinking you're right because I've had this fucking episode that proves to you that I can't handle it. I'm sorry."</p><p>Lucas hugs Eliott and sighs.</p><p>''You were there, Eliott. Even when I didn't want you near me because it hurt to be ashamed of who I am, you were always there. I'm sorry I made you feel so bad, and I swear it had nothing to do with you. I didn't want to tell you about prep school because if I started telling you what was wrong, I never would have been able to stop."</p><p>Eliott frowns and steps back Lucas so he can look at him.</p><p>''Is it that bad?''</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders and sighs. His eyes gleam as if tears were ready to escape.</p><p>"Every time I walk through the classroom door, I tell myself that I shouldn't be there and it reminds me of my lack of courage. I'm the one that's messing up our relationship, Eliott, because I'm a fucking coward and it has nothing to do with us."</p><p>Eliott frowns again as he looks at Lucas.</p><p>"And where should you be?"</p><p>Lucas sighs.</p><p>''Music school? But it wasn't a viable project."</p><p>Eliott looks at him in amazement and sighs. He feels like Lucas is hiding too much from him.</p><p>''Did you want to do this? Why didn't you tell me about it?"</p><p>Lucas says nothing and Eliott understands. Fuck, it's all his fault.</p><p>''It's because of my bullshit, right? Did you change your mind when I fucked up with Lola?"</p><p>Lucas looks at him stunned and shakes his head.</p><p>''What? No! I had already given up at that moment. I thought about it in April, but I can't get into it, Eliott. Music doesn't pay."</p><p>"Because you think the directors do it?"</p><p>''I don't know, let's ask Luc Besson maybe.''</p><p>Eliott is rolling his eyes.</p><p>''And for a Luc Besson, how many people do you think won't be famous directors? If you think like that, do you want us to look at how much the musicians on the TV sets earn or how much Johnny Hallyday's guitarists, how much do you think they earned?"</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes and sighs.</p><p>''What if it doesn't work out? What if I'm not good enough?"</p><p>Eliott lets out a huge sigh because his boyfriend's a fuckin' mullethead sometimes.</p><p>''Since when do you talk with so many ifs? I thought it was minute by minute and we'd see? It's killing me, Lucas. I can go to school hoping to break through, but not knowing if it's really gonna happen, but you can't, can you? And you're saying our relationship is equal?"</p><p>Lucas lies on the bed in a dramatic wail.</p><p>''No, it isn't. You're awesome and I'm terrible. I lied to you, I'm ashamed of who I am and you're right, I don't have the guts to make real decisions on my own. I just followed my buddies because I was too scared to fail and now I'm miserable and I'm making you miserable."</p><p>Eliott lies halfway down on top of Lucas, draping his body with one of his legs and arm, resting his head right next to his own. </p><p>"I can't go on like this, Eliott, I'm ruining everything between us with my bullshit. I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliott nods gently before swallowing.</p><p>''You're right, baby, we can't do this anymore. It hurts me to say this, but our relationship is not healthy. When I think about the last few weeks, I think we got it all wrong. I should have listened to you, got to know you better. I wanted to give you time, but I should have known you were lying. I could have helped you. We should have talked about it."</p><p>Lucas sighs and Eliott snuggles a little more against him. </p><p>''I thought we were happy, but I think it's all my fault. I was so sure we were always going to be okay that I didn't see that you weren't okay. We weren't okay."</p><p>Lucas pushes him away so he can look him in the eye. </p><p>''Stop it! It's not your fault, my love. It's my fault. I told you I'd do shit. I'm the one who's messing things up between the two of us. I just don't know what to do, Eliott. I'm so sorry I acted like that. I love you, Eliott. I love you so much. I feel like I'm always making the wrong decisions and it's eating me up inside. I just need time to pull myself together."</p><p>Eliott sighs as he sits on the bed. He can't believe he's gonna say what he's about to say, but he knows he has to.</p><p>''Lucas, do you want to take a little distance and think about this calmly? Maybe you need some time alone to think about it. Maybe I could go back to my parents or you could go to Mika's house.''</p><p>Lucas sits down in front of Eliott and gently raises his head to look at him.</p><p>''Is this your way of asking me if I want to take a break?''</p><p>Lucas' voice trembles and Eliott feels his heart aching. Eliott gently nods his head, his heart beating at breakneck speed. He says <em>yes</em> with his head, but his heart screams <em>no</em>.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I needed this</h2></a>
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    <p> </p><p>Eliott never liked the idea of taking a break. In all the examples he had around him, all breaks always ended in a definitive break.</p><p>He picks up his mug from the living room table and puts it in the kitchen. It's so quiet that it's almost scary. He sighs as he looks at the apartment. Everything is clean and tidy and he has nothing to do. He looks at the time and puts the muffins in the fridge. He goes to take a hot shower, trying not to think about everything that tormented him during his episode. He knows that his mind goes too far during episodes and distorts reality to make it worse than it really is, but he can't help but wonder if they will be able to handle this situation and he and Lucas will be happy again. </p><p>He looks at the time on the clock, gets dressed quickly and grabs his jacket before going out. He has an appointment in fifteen minutes with his therapist. Luckily, she was able to make an appointment for him quickly because right now, Eliott really needs to get rid of all his worries. </p><p>When he comes out of his session, he's not really getting better. She told him that such questions are normal, especially in a relationship that begins in adolescence, and that only Lucas could say whether or not he needs time to think about his life and what he wants for himself, and that Eliott should just support him, whatever he decides. </p><p>Eliott hesitates to go straight home or take a walk, but in the end he chooses the first option because he doesn't have the heart to go for a walk. When he comes home, he starts to feel anxious because Lucas' father is standing in their living room.</p><p>''Oh Eliott, I thought I didn't see you. I was about to leave. Are you okay?''</p><p>''I'm trying, yes. And how are you doing?"</p><p>"I'm fine, thanks. It's good to see you, even if I would have preferred it to be under different circumstances.''</p><p>He turns to Lucas who's sitting on the couch. </p><p>''I'm glad you called me Lucas. I'm glad you asked my opinion, and whatever you decide, I'll be there, okay? My door is always open for you."</p><p>Lucas gets up and hugs his dad.</p><p>"Thank you, Dad."</p><p>"You're welcome, son."</p><p>Lucas' father turns around and looks at Eliott, hesitating. Eliott knows that Lucas told him about his episode and he hesitates to touch him.</p><p>''I'm better, it's okay.''</p><p>Lucas' father nods his head and takes Eliott against him, gently patting him on the back.</p><p>''Courage, Eliott. I know it's my fault that Lucas has such a hard time being himself, but thank you for being there for him. I think it was very brave of you to offer him a break, but I'm glad he refused."</p><p>Eliott responds by looking Lucas in the eyes, over his father's shoulder.</p><p>"Me too."</p><p>Lucas smiles at him and Eliott remembers how Lucas didn't even hesitate for even a second this morning when he offered to take a break. Lucas got out of bed almost screaming.</p><p>''That's enough. No, Eliott, we're not taking a break. Come on, let's get our house in order. They say that living in a clean place helps you get better. We're going to put our house in order, I'm going to put my head in order, but nobody leaves here with a suitcase. We're both going to manage that. I'm not leaving and neither are you. I love you, you love me, so we're going to work this shit out. Come on, let's start in the living room."</p><p>Lucas put on dubstep and they spent the morning cleaning up the living room. Eliott must have fallen asleep at some point because he woke up on the couch with a blanket over him and a note from Lucas explaining that he going to the college but that he loved him and reminding him of his appointment with his therapist at 5pm. A batch of blueberry bacon muffins were waiting for Eliott on the kitchen counter.</p><p>Eliott watched as Lucas' father put his coat back on with a big smile on his face. Lucas looks at him smiling but waits until his father has left the house to talk.</p><p>''How did it go?"</p><p>Eliott nods his head and smiles at him.</p><p>''It went well. I needed that. It felt good. How about you? Are you okay? I guess your dad didn't just happen to be in the neighborhood."</p><p>Lucas waves to Eliott to come over, next to him on the couch. Eliott does so and Lucas gently takes a hand in his.</p><p>"I left the college prep class."</p><p>Eliott nods his head without saying anything.</p><p>''That you want to take a break really made me react. I can't keep disagreeing with my choices because it makes us both unhappy. So I went to the Paris College of Music. They had several withdrawals in the pro cycle and apparently they liked my honesty and my nerve, so I have an appointment tomorrow with the provisor for an audition.''</p><p>Eliott utters a shout that is a kind of mix between joy, amazement and pride as he takes Lucas in his arms.</p><p>''Damn, babe, this is awesome. Oh God, I'm so proud of you."</p><p>Lucas shakes his head as he steps back.</p><p>''Hey, wait, there's no telling what they're gonna want from me.''</p><p>Eliott strokes his cheek, kissing him gently.</p><p>''They will, babe. Play Rioppy for 'em, and I swear they will."</p><p>Lucas smiles but takes a serious look almost as fast.</p><p>''That's not all. This is a private school. Because to get into a public school, I would have had to reapply on ParcousSup and wait until next fall. I don't want to lose a year."</p><p>''We don't care.'' Eliott stop him. ''I'll work more if I have to, but we don't care, babe. We'll get there."</p><p>Lucas smiles as he strokes Eliott's arm.</p><p>''You ain't working for me no more, Eliott. I put my pride aside and asked my dad what he thought about this and if he was willing to advance me the money to pay for school."</p><p>Lucas and his dad have been really talking to each other for about a year now. His dad came to the flatshare one sunday, asking Lucas to give him a second chance, telling him that he really regretted being such a bad father. The truth is that the father had just found out he had prostate cancer and was filled with regret. But now, even though the cancer is history and he is doing well, Lucas and his father have a real relationship again and Eliott is getting along very well with him too. For Lucas' 18th birthday, they went to a restaurant with his father and mother and frankly, it was great to see Lucas surrounded by both of his parents, all in a nice atmosphere. This summer, their four parents met and they spent the evening talking as if they had always known each other. Eliott is really happy that Lucas' father decided to resume their relationship because it would have been hard for Lucas to always see an empty chair next to his mother.</p><p>''He said he was surprised that I went to college prep but he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to interfere with my choices. He said my mother would be happy for me to study music because she said that when I played, I looked like an angel."</p><p>''I agree.''</p><p>Lucas blushes slightly, and it's just so cute, so Eliott kisses his cheek and smiles.</p><p>''So if I can get into this school, my dad will pay all the tuition. He says it will be his way of showing that he fully supports me. And it's fucking good to hear that. Not that he'll pay, even though it takes a lot of weight off my shoulders, but that he supports me."</p><p>Eliott grabs Lucas with his arms and pulls him up against him.</p><p>''I'm really happy for you, babe. Can I ask you two questions?"</p><p>Lucas nods but doesn't leave Eliott's arms.</p><p>''First of all, what did'' the guys say?''</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I haven't told them yet, but I will, I promise. Probably tomorrow after my audition."</p><p>''Okay. I....euh...is that...I was wondering...if''</p><p>Eliott hesitates, not knowing if he is going to make things worse by asking his question, but he needs to know. Lucas steps back to look at him and then smiles.</p><p>''Yes, maybe.''</p><p>Eliott looks at him in amazement.</p><p>''Maybe what?''</p><p>''You're wondering if I didn't put music in my choices because I was afraid it would get me into one of those fucking stereotypes that I hate. So I'll answer you : maybe. I know it's stupid because most singers or musicians are straight, but maybe it seemed like too artistic a path and I didn't want to fit in with that. But you know what, fuck stereotypes."</p><p>Eliott looks at him with raised eyebrows.</p><p>"Oh, yeah?"</p><p>Lucas smiles.</p><p>''Yeah! Fuck stereotypes."</p><p>Eliott bends over to kiss him. </p><p>"I love you so much."</p><p>Lucas interrupts the kiss almost immediately with a huge smile.</p><p>''Will you always love me? No matter what I do, no matter what I look like?"</p><p>Eliott doesn't even think, and nods with a smile on his face.</p><p>"Even if I had a tattoo?"</p><p>Eliott nods and giggles, Lucas is so afraid of needles that he would never do that.</p><p>''Totally. You want a tattoo?"</p><p>Lucas shakes his head and smiles and Eliott rolls his eyes. He was sure, Lucas was just playing with him like that earring thing.</p><p>''I don't want one, I made one.''</p><p>Lucas pulls up the sleeve of his sweater and reveals a tattoo so fresh it's still under plastic.</p><p>Eliott opens his eyes and stares at the reddened skin around the tattoo.</p><p>"Fuck! When did you do that?"</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders as if it was nothing.</p><p>''Two hours ago. Do you hate it?"</p><p>Eliott shakes his head and kisses Lucas. He knows he should say that a tattoo is not something you get on impulse, that you have to think about it for a while to make sure you don't regret it, but that's not what he wants to say at all, so he doesn't do it.</p><p>''I love it. It's so sexy. Damn it, Lucas, how does a tattoo make me want you so bad?"</p><p>Lucas laughs in the kiss.</p><p>''Maybe 'cause now I've got you under my skin, my love. Literally.''</p><p>Eliott takes Lucas' arm and looks at the tattoo again. He still can't believe it. Lucas got a tattoo. And not just any tattoo, he got their love tattooed. Eliott gently traces his drawing and the letters of his first name, now embedded in Lucas' skin.</p><p>''I don't know what makes me happier, whether you got a tattoo of one of my drawings or my first name. Lucas, it's just beautiful. You are so beautiful."</p><p>''That way, I'll never ask again how people know, I'll take the lead and show it clearly. I want everyone to know that I love you. And I want you to know that I will do it for the rest of my life. I'll tell you as many times as I have to: "You're the best thing that ever happened to me in life".</p><p>Eliott blinks twice before kissing Lucas again so hard that they find themselves lying on the couch.</p><p>''I love you. I love you so fucking much."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I had promised that I would do a story where Lucas' father is not an asshole! and it's done!</p><p>Tomorrow I have a really special chapter for you, it's the first time I'm doing this...and you'll have a picture of the tattoo...</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Gang</h2></a>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let's go, you can comment ✍️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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